


If Aught But Death

by fishcollective



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Character Death, Death, Gen, Hurts So Good, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:19:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcollective/pseuds/fishcollective
Summary: Clary doesn’t ask Raziel for Jace’s life back, and Alec has to deal with losing a part of his soul forever.Alec’s POV, set during and what would have been shortly after 2x20.





	If Aught But Death

**Author's Note:**

> This really is just straight up angst. And I ain't even sorry. I feed on your pain!  
> You can choose to read it shippy or not. I tried to tread that fine line between Jalec and non-romantic parabatai.

 

It hits Alec like a punch to the gut. The air is knocked out of him and the ops centre fades. All he can see is…

_Jace._

The fist to his stomach turns to a claw, ripping at his insides. His parabatai rune burns as he falls to the floor in agony. He doesn’t even notice Magnus and Izzy rushing to his side, as images of Jace flickers through his mind; their first meeting, training together, falling in impossible love with him, becoming parabatai and forever linked. And it hurts more than anything he could ever have imagined. This isn’t Jace being ravaged by poison or having his arm shattered by an elapid demon. No, this is different. This is Jace _leaving_. This is Jace being forcefully taken from him. He can’t breathe.

As the rune on his abdomen fades, so does the pain. And then there is… nothing. Where there was excruciating pain there is only emptiness. Where there was once a second heartbeat, a second energy always aligned to his, there is only one. There is only Alec. He is utterly alone.

“I can’t feel him. He’s dead.”

 

* * *

 

After a few shaky breaths, Alec gets back on his feet and asks for a portal to Idris. He cannot grieve now. There will be a time for tears, but that time is not now. If Jace is dead, there is a big risk Clary is too, but on the off chance she isn’t, they need to get to her and quickly. That is what Alec has to focus on - the possibility to save a life.

But as they step through the portal, an angelic glow is lighting up the Idris night sky, and they know it’s too late. As Magnus refuses to get to safety and instead insists on having to find Jace and Clary, all Alec can think is that this has turned into a body retrieval mission. But there is no way they will leave them behind, even if they are beyond saving. And so, they run.

 

* * *

 

When they are almost out of the woods, the world is plunged back into darkness — the angel is gone. They adjust quickly and as they exit onto the lakeshore the faint glow of the moon illuminates a body crumpled on the side of the muddy path — Valentine, blood drying in the corner of his mouth and soaking into the grass. Clearly no mercy was shown to him. 

Alec looks ahead, and finds Clary with her back turned to them. She’s hunched over but her shoulders are shaking. She’s alive. And in front of her, partly shielded from Alec’s view, what can only be Jace, his body broken and still on the cold ground. 

At the sound of Alec approaching, Clary lifts her face to meet his eyes. Dirty tear tracks streak her face but she has stopped crying. She looks almost as empty as Alec feels. Then his gaze finally drops to the ground. To Jace. And to Clary’s hands — they are covered in blood. As is her jacket. And something inside Alec snaps. An irrational anger rushes to the surface, breaking through the void filling him up. He lashes out.

“What did you do?!”

Clary startles, and he thinks that maybe she didn’t actually see him before. And just as quickly as it rose, the anger and blame inside Alec dissipates. 

“I killed him…” She chokes on the words, and for a horrific moment he thinks she does mean Jace.

“My father. I stabbed him. He… he was waiting for us. And he…” She looks down at her bloodied hands, still clutching Jace’s, and she starts crying again. Alec understands. He can almost see it — Valentine ambushing them on the shore, taking a knife to Jace’s heart. _His_ heart. _Alec’s_ heart. And Clary, like a hurricane, exacting revenge on her own father. If the emptiness inside wasn’t trying to drown him he would have been proud of her, but now all he can do is stare at the body at his feet. 

He barely registers Magnus gently urging Clary to stand up, and how she falls into his arms as he leads her away to a waiting Izzy. He isn’t really aware of kneeling on the damp ground, taking her place by Jace’s side. It isn’t until his fingertips brush against Jace’s cold cheek that he realises where he is and what he is doing. Whenever they would touch there would always be a kind of low humming inside Alec. Something barely perceptible, but a sort of feedback through their bond telling them everything was alright. Now there is nothing. Jace is as removed from him as the wet grass under his knees. The void in his heart where Jace should be expands, clawing at the edges of Alec’s own soul.

“I told you to be careful. Why couldn’t you have listened to me just this once?”

He gently positions his arm under Jace’s shoulders and heaves the limp body onto his lap and into an embrace. Cheek resting against cheek he takes a deep breath, but still doesn’t allow himself to cry. Gently rocking he starts reciting the parabatai oath right next to Jace’s ear.

“Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee. For whither thou goest, I will go…”

He stops. His voice is shaking, and he cradles Jace’s body closer, remembering how the oath once brought him back from the brink and into Jace’s arms. But he knows Jace is gone. He felt the bond break. There is nothing left anymore. Nothing to bring back.

“How could you leave me Jace? We said we would go together, you and I. You promised.”

Pressing their bodies together Alec is heedless of the blood spreading across the front of his jacket. Even if he knows it is nothing but an empty shell he is clutching, he can’t help but try to get closer to anything that might still be left of his parabatai. 

The others have been keeping their distance, comforting Clary while giving Alec the space he needs. But through the fog of grief pressing in around him, Alec can hear someone gently call his name. They need to leave. He loosens his grip on Jace’s body just enough to be able to rest their foreheads together. He closes his eyes, holding the tears in.

“Ave atque vale… hail and farewell.”

 

* * *

 

With clenched teeth and an empty stare he stands up, putting his left arm under Jace’s knees, bringing his body up with him. He will not let go. Not yet.

The portal is open and waiting for them. Alec shrugs off any attempts to help him with his burden. This is his parabatai, and no one will touch Jace until he is home.

Izzy goes first, supporting a stumbling Clary. Behind them Alec’s face is set in stone, his steps are sure, and the body he is carrying doesn’t even seem heavy — not for his arms, but his heart is another matter. 

 

* * *

 

At the institute people immediately cluster around them, but Alec pays them no attention. He just takes one step after another, into the elevator, and up to the top floor where stained glass windows cast a colourful light on the stone slabs reserved for the dead. The room is empty and Alec gently places Jace’s body on the centre slab by the window, letting the first fractured rays of dawn play over Jace’s skin.

“Do you want me to call for the Silent Brothers?” Izzy asks in a low voice. She has stayed in the open doorway, not wanting to intrude in Alec’s space. He is grateful for that. 

Without looking up he gently shakes his head. It may be customary to leave the dead for the Brothers, but not this time. Not Jace. 

His sister doesn’t say anything else and Alec can hear her soft footsteps retreating. He doesn’t take his eyes off Jace’s face. How can he ever let go? They were supposed to stay together. Forever. Follow each other into the dark. But here Alec is, alone, with the sun rising. And that is why he has to do this, on his own, without any help from his family of the Silent Brothers. He has to go with Jace as far as he can, and make sure that he is prepared for whatever may come next. 

Unstrapping the double thigh holsters, he places them on the floor behind him. They’re empty. Alec has a vague memory of Jace’s seraph blade lying next to him where he fell. He will have to remember to ask someone to retrieve it before the ceremony. Jace should have his weapon with him, it is only right. 

With trembling hands he unzips the torn leather jacket and tosses it to the side. The black t-shirt underneath is sticking to Jace’s body with drying blood. Alec doesn’t want to take any kind of blade to him, not after what happened. So he sits himself on the edge of the plinth and pulls Jace’s body up to meet his. With Jace’s head resting on his shoulders, Alec can gently ease the t-shirt up and finally off. With a supporting hand between the shoulder blades he brings the body back onto the stone surface, where Alec for a moment can almost believe he’s looking at someone sleeping, if it wasn’t for all the blood.

He fills a metal bowl with water, and dips a washcloth into it. With slow strokes he starts to clean the blood of Jace’s pale skin. He shudders a bit when he gets to the wound where the knife slipped between the ribs and into his heart. Alec has seen much worse, but this is different. This small, almost insignificant looking wound, is what tore his world apart in an instant. He bites back the tears, wrings red stained water from the cloth, and keeps going. 

The last part of Jace’s torso to be wiped free of blood is his left side, and Alec notices that the parabatai rune is still etched into Jace’s skin. He lightly traces his fingers over the dark lines, while pressing his other hand to his own side, where he know there’s now only blank unmarred skin. He never thought about it before, but it makes sense for Jace to be keeping his while Alec’s rune fades. After all, Jace is the one that is taking a part of Alec with him in death. A big part. 

Wrapping Jace’s body in the white mourning shroud is not an easy task. It is not meant to be done by a single person, but Alec will not call for aid. He takes his time and is careful to not jostle the body too much. He wraps and pulls and smooths any wrinkles in the pristine fabric. In a way it is soothing work. It lets him do something. Keeps him from fretting. Keeps him from breaking.

Finally, with a deep but shaking breath he pulls the fine linen over Jace’s face. His task is complete. And just before leaving Alec presses his right hand over Jace’s still heart, whispering the only words to come out of his mouth since Lake Lyn.

“If aught but death part thee and me…”

 

* * *

 

Alec closes the door to his office and sinks into a chair. He rubs his face. He can barely believe it — it’s over. Valentine is gone. The mortal instruments seem to have vanished into the lake forever. He will have to ask Clary about what actually happened later. But not now. Neither of them are ready to talk. Not about this. Tomorrow they will hold the Rite of Mourning, and Alec will recite Jace’s name with a clear voice. He will stand by his parabatai’s side one last time. Alec closes his eyes and leans back in the chair.

And he breaks.

 

 


End file.
